Friday, December 31, 2010

Stay Just As You Are

Harry B. Sanderford

It was coming clear to God that his booze-fueled midnight resolution to quit smoking, drinking, lose weight, and keep a more watchful eye on his cholesterol and sodium may have exceeded his actual resolve. He knew he wasn't getting any younger, but it was only 10:30 am and already he was chomping two packs of Trident and calculating angles that might justify his taking a wee hair of the dog. It'd been a hell of a party and he was slowly piecing together certain cloudy events that might just require his passing out apologies when he bit down hard and finally, truly, understood that verse in "Ole Dan Tucker" about Dan dying, "with a toothache in his heel." Howling oaths unblessed, the normally benevolent deity spat out a filling along with the glob of sugarless gum and when he was finally finished taking his own name in vain, he smote four out of five dentists with nary a thought and upon a moment's reflection, smote that contrary fifth one just for good measure. Later he would reconsider this reaction and think it perhaps a bit severe, but for now it felt like old times and it was good. 'Happy New Year', he thought as he sparked a blue-tip match to life with a thumbnail and set fire to his first Cohiba of the new year.

Happy New Year Everyone!

17 comments:

Paul D. Brazill said...

Smashing! Took the edge off the hangover, a bit!Happy new year, Harry!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

HA! That made me laugh. Oh Lord, don't you miss George Burns?
Happy New Year, by the way!

eb said...

love the dentist bit and although i'm a little young to remember everything, i always thought george burns would make a great grandpa for me! :)

Steve Green said...

So much to his resolutions, huh? Oh well, onwards into 2011.....

Happy New Year Harry. :-D

Tony Noland said...

Excellent!

Stephen said...

Yes, I miss George Burns, too. Thanks for the story, Harry, and may you have a Happy New Year.

Laurita said...

Fun. Good ol' George. This was my first bit of flash fiction reading for the new year. You started it off right, Harry. :) Hope your 2011 is amazing.

~Tim said...

A cigar. What a great idea. Happy new year!

Pamila Payne said...

Happy New Year to you too. That was great way to start off. I love George.

Mike Handley said...

Oustanding tribute, dude, and I love the photo. I haven't thought of him in ages.

John Wiswell said...

I love George, God and George-God. Happy New Year to you too, Harry.

Sugar said...

Sometimes when you don't feel normal, doing a normal thing makes you feel normal. ~ God

Looks like he followed his own advice, Har. Happy New Year!!!

I smoke old stogies I have found short, but not too big around I'm a man of means by no means
King of the Road...

Madam Z said...

God damn, Harry, you are so goddamn GOOD!

This is my favorite part:

"when he was finally finished taking his own name in vain, he smote four out of five dentists with nary a thought and upon a moment's reflection, smote that contrary fifth one just for good measure."

ABSOLUTELY*KATE said...

Funny that the way groovy lady ahead of me liked the smoting part too. You're a great smoter Har. As a matter of fact, no one smotes like Harry, said the shimmy of his sister Kate.

Happiest All the Cool Stuff You Got In You Jumpin' On Out Mr Sanderford, sir.
~ Absolutely*Kate

Harry said...

Thanks alot everyone, may the new year be a blessed one!

Eric J. Krause said...

Love the picture at the end. George Burns made an awesome God. Good story!

Stephen said...

Smoting dentists - yay. Nice to have God just hangin'. Liked your 'and it was good', and 'felt like old times'. :) St.