Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Sugar, Them's Ears Not Handles

Harry B. Sanderford
Sleepy's hand carresses Cowboy's cheek then tosses his hat and grabs a yank of hair. Cowboy's thinkin' Sleepy might throw dogies in the rodeo as the little lady hauls his face down. But he don't mind the scenery none, kinda takes to it, thinks maybe he'll settle down here. Sleepy closes her eyes and her lips form a small o as Cowboy whispers his muffled story punctuated with kisses. Before long the sleepy cowgirl lets out a breathy sigh, gasps a new lungful, arches her back and shudders. Her small o is a larger molar showin' O, then it's "OOOOOmygod!" Cowboy, (thinkin' if'n he had his hat on he'd take it off) glances up for a second and Sleepy gives a look that sorta scares the cowpuncher, then in a voice he don't much care for screams, "DONTYOUDARESTOP!" Cowboy's ridden some 'n been throw'd by others, but he weren't ever meant for pullin' up short on the trail. He whoops a giddyup 'n kicks in for another stretch.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Commercials, They're Grrrrreat!

Harry B. Sanderford

I was watching the tube recently and when I watch TV I like to watch the hell out of it. The remote control is key to my viewing pleasure. I don't watch commercials as a rule, this is ordinarily my prompt to move along. So, it is mildly ironic when my interest is caught by one of those deals where the whole point of the show is to count down a list of TV's most memorable commercials. It's pompous self-indulgence on my part really; I'm only hanging on to verify my prediction that the old commercial where Mean Joe Green scores some Coke from a kid and then tosses him his filthy sweat-soaked jersey will win out. It does of course and I revel in my astute ability to predict clichéd predictability. For my money though, the best commercial of all time is that one with Mr. Whipple sitting on the crapper noisily grinding out some grundlers and since he has nothing to read, he's left with just his thoughts. The camera moves to the little thought bubble over his head where a gore muzzled Tony the Tiger is plop-plopping Alka Seltzers into a glass of water with the freshly mauled carcass of Captain Crunch visibly oozing entrails dotted with pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars and green clovers in the background. Not sure just what they were selling there.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

WoooHoooo! I Got Mail!

I was the lucky recipient of a super surprise package that landed on my damn doorstep all the way from Ontario Canada! WOOHOOO!

What cool stuff I got! I am feeling like an honorary Canadian (hankerin' for a Molson) in my new hat and T-Shirt! Since I don't have a Molson handy, I think I'll pour a cold Coors Light in my spiffy new L.O.T.M.R. coffee mug! Really the coolest Damn Mug Ever!

Don't be jealous. I won these elaborate prizes for my uncanny Damn Door picking abilities in Cathy Webster's Damn Door Contest. Turns out, I'm something of a Damn Door savant. Unfortunately I've not been able to focus this asset on lottery numbers or fast horses. Working on it, it's Derby Day. But wait, that's not all..yeah, go ahead, jealousy is now warranted. I also got the coolest little MukMuk keychain, a travel bottle of bubble stuff so I no longer need leave home without it, and some groovy new tunes entitled, "Mushy Music" ...I know. Who's luckier than me?

Cathy you are the coolest and I loved your Damn Door contest and all the really cool stuff you sent me!

                                      Thank you! Thank You, Thank you Cathy!

                                                             Beauty Ay?

Friday, May 6, 2011

* Sports of Kings * ~ A Daily*Double from Absolutely*Kate and Horsey Harry

As Jim Dandee opened the Daily Racing Form with customary crackle to jaded eye, his glance glazed over the chess set his kid made him for Christmas. Plasticine royal blue and hunter's green of deeper hue, it sat there just gathering dust on the side table ~ where unprovoked, the king toppled clearly in his view. It was a sign he knew. What sort would work it’s self out soon enough. He righted the fallen ruler and returned his attention to the form. Not all clues would just present themselves.

Yes! How’s this for a clue? ~ “Clueless” was running in the sixth at Tampa Bay Downs and with what Monday's meteorologist Mandi precipitationally predicted, a muddy track it could be -- gul darn it, his majesty's crown was once again down; hadn't he just - - - Oh, whoa it up there Nellie! A photo-finish flashbulb popped enlightening like and Jim Dandee pulled up mid-stretch from restoring royalty to his horizontal highness, poked a nubby finger under the running line and followed it out to see that Clueless was out of monster mudder dam, “Topple Two Times" and in the irons today was none other than Elvis (the king, baby) Trujillo!

Thoroughly bred to bet a hunch, Jim Dandee was no pawn of fate come lately. Odds on, how could he be rooked with The King among jocks atop this Clueless colt born for the slop? ~ Hell, heaven can wait, but when Elvis took off from the gate he won 35 straight in his native Panama, then 55 more from Mexico City to set the pace of the race for three graded stakes titles from South Florida to Churchill Downs.

Kerplunk -- the royal chess piece took another clunk -- "Why that's a triple crowner,” Jim mused unconfused. Third time’s a charm.

At the finish-line rail Jim Dandee patted the plastic talisman and slips of paper in the pocket of his lucky shirt and felt the first drops of anticipation, perspiration and Meteorologist Mandy's predicted precipitation as Elvis Trujillo gave Clueless the reins leading into the stretch in the rain and all the king’s horses stared idly back at all the kings men, no longer subject to their round-heeled ruler’s reign.

* * * * * *

Thanks for enjoying our Daily*Double*
Together we wish you a great Derby*Day and please remember to bet responsibly!
~ Absolutely*Kate & Horsey Harry

Actually A*K say's, "bet responsibly." I say, the less you bet the more you lose when you win. Go nuts!

This is the first Kentucky Derby in years that I haven't had my pick sewn up by now. Tough one to figure this year. Who do you like?

137th Kentucky Derby
Purse: $2 million; 1 1/14 miles; Grade 1

1. Archarcharch, J. Court, 10-1
2. Brilliant Speed, J. Rosario, 30-1
3. Twice the Appeal, C. Borel, 30-1
4. Stay Thirsty, R. Dominguez, 30-1
5. Decisive Moment, K. Clark, 50-1
6. Comma To The Top, P. Valenzuela, 30-1
7. Pants On Fire, R. Napravnik, 30-1
8. Dialed In, J. Leparoux, 4-1
9. Derby Kitten, J. Castellano, 30-1
10. Twinspired, M. Smith, 30-1
11. Master of Hounds, G. Gomez, 20-1
12. Santiva, S. Bridgmohan, 30-1
13. Mucho Macho Man, R. Maragh, 12-1
14. Shackleford, J. Castanon, 20-1
15. Midnight Interlude, V. Espinoza, 12-1
16. Animal Kingdom, R. Albarado, 20-1
17. Soldat, A. Garcia, 20-1
18. Uncle Mo, J. Velazquez, 5-1
19. Nehro, C. Nakatani, 6-1
20. Watch Me Go, R. Bejarano, 50-1

Odds by Mike Watchmaker
Post time: 6:24 p.m. Eastern
All carry 126 pounds