Reigning Ex Ex Games Containment Competition champ, Earl “Retainy” Gainey, blew chunks Saturday after clinching his second world title. Gainey, who has long attributed his counter-crapping capabilities to a near bovine tolerance for lactose, stirred wide-spread panic at one point during the competition. Fearing he’d blow, Earl’s grimace and gutteral growl, sent the crowd of constipatory constituents clamoring for the exits. While most reported only having the shit scared out of them, three remain hospitalized. Earl managed to keep his shit together long enough to defeat fellow fecal freighter, “Skid” Mark Loafster, but moments later erupted spewing Vesuvius volumes of vintage, but vile and viscous vomit from veranda to vestibule.
Following Ret’s Rainbird imitation, manager Dung King, was quick to issue a statement countering speculation that the champ's bungus may have actually grown entirely shut. Proven true, the allegation would lead to Gainey’s disqualification and possible exclusion from future Extreme Excrement Games. King assured the press that Earl did indeed possess an XXG approved ass-hole, leading to further speculation as to whether King referred to himself.
Reached for comment Retainy seemed unconcerned. “Retention records come and go,” he said. “But did you see all that corn? I ain’t ate no corn in over 2 years,” he further articulated.
OK, sorry about that. Sometimes the 7th grader that lives in my head takes over the keyboard and must be indulged. H
*XXG Extreme Excrement Games is product of the fertile imagination of my eternal co-7th grader, Barrius Q. Tuttlebein.
*XXG Extreme Excrement Games is product of the fertile imagination of my eternal co-7th grader, Barrius Q. Tuttlebein.
