Friday, April 1, 2011

Dookey Earl... Pukey, Hurls!

Reigning Ex Ex Games Containment Competition champ, Earl “Retainy” Gainey, blew chunks Saturday after clinching his second world title. Gainey, who has long attributed his counter-crapping capabilities to a near bovine tolerance for lactose, stirred wide-spread panic at one point during the competition. Fearing he’d blow, Earl’s grimace and gutteral growl, sent the crowd of constipatory constituents clamoring for the exits. While most reported only having the shit scared out of them, three remain hospitalized. Earl managed to keep his shit together long enough to defeat fellow fecal freighter, “Skid” Mark Loafster, but moments later erupted spewing Vesuvius volumes of vintage, but vile and viscous vomit from veranda to vestibule.

Following Ret’s Rainbird imitation, manager Dung King, was quick to issue a statement countering speculation that the champ's bungus may have actually grown entirely shut. Proven true, the allegation would lead to Gainey’s disqualification and possible exclusion from future Extreme Excrement Games. King assured the press that Earl did indeed possess an XXG approved ass-hole, leading to further speculation as to whether King referred to himself.

Reached for comment Retainy seemed unconcerned. “Retention records come and go,” he said. “But did you see all that corn? I ain’t ate no corn in over 2 years,” he further articulated.

OK, sorry about that. Sometimes the 7th grader that lives in my head takes over the keyboard and must be indulged. H

*XXG Extreme Excrement Games is product of the fertile imagination of my eternal co-7th grader, Barrius Q. Tuttlebein.

16 comments:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Hahahahahahaha! You are so funny, Harry! Nothing beats some good poo and corn humour, no matter how old you are. "an XXG approved ass-hole" Buahahahaha!

theothersideofdeanna said...

YUCK! This is awful Harry, but I mean awful in a good fun way, just as you intended. :)

I can hear Kate rubbing off on you here - the play on words that is, not the content. ;)

John Wiswell said...

Solid Harry, seventh grade or not, from the very first line. Don't apologize for having some silly in your soul.

Stephen said...

Neargh! Okay, deep breath. It's all over now. Literally. I don't know why I liked this, but I did ;)

My 7th grader musta snuck out to that bout as well. And why does corn do that? Is it in league with carrots?

St.

Stephen said...

I'm right there with you, Harry. This one had me in stitches the whole way through, and I'm not ashamed to say I laughed. The best line for me was the part about the XXG approved ass-hole. Just who would have that job, and how they go about certifying an anus that meets standards, had me rolling. Thanks.

Mike Handley said...

I'll be the Beevis to your Butthead anytime, Harry. :)

Madam Z said...

Eeeeww! I sure wouldn't want to be on the janitorial crew at the "Extreme Excrement Games!"

Tim VanSant Writes said...

The seventh grader in my head really enjoyed this.

laradunning said...

Put a smile on my face. Great use of language.

Laurita said...

I had to laugh out loud at "Skid" Mark. Oh, Harry. Your sense of humour knows no bounds.

Harry said...

You people should all be ashamed of yourselves! Thanks!:)

Icy Sedgwick said...

"Vesuvius volumes of vintage, but vile and viscous vomit from veranda to vestibule."

That line made me think of something cut from V for Vendetta.

Eric J. Krause said...

Quite disgusting. Quite disgusting indeed. Well done, sir!

Steve Green said...

Hahahahahaha, I am quite suitably ashamed of myself for finding this funny. Nice one Harry.

Jodi MacArthur said...

WWF of EX EX Excrement. Well, they say better out than in. ;-) This seriously reminds me of a scene one of the bizarro guys would come up with for their books. ;-)

L'Aussie said...

Harry I was so relieved to get to the end and see your explanation for why I didn't understand a word of what you said, or not many anyhow, ha ha.

Denise<3

L'Aussie Travel A _ Z Posts. Around the world in 26 days